Help Wanted

You might notice a lot more misspeallings ans sentences that end in prepositions from now on. That's because I've lost my editor. Yep, Annie has succumbed to the peer pressure and started her own blog. Chech her out at chitchatfromchina.blogspot.com

Air travel observations...revisited

We've touched on this before, but given that we spend quite a bit of time on airplanes, with Scott's business travel and the family travel we do, we see a lot of odd things. Airplanes are like melting pots for the weird and bizarre. On a 45 minute flight from Grand Rapids to Chicago you're not likely to discover your seat mate's wacky behavior, but on a 14 hour flight from Shanghai to Chicago, one's warts are on display for all to see.

Mad farters, domestic disputes, nervous breakdowns, "BO", over talkers, etc. You name it and we've seen it ... and/or smelled it.

However, it's not just the passengers that have us scratching our heads from time to time. The airlines themselves are a bit quirky. For example, on a recent flight, our boarding passes had the words "nonsmoker" printed on them. A few perplexing questions popped in our heads. Hasn't smoking been banned on airplanes for years? Does it matter if one is a smoker ... are they called out for some reason? Was there any question in any one's minds that Juliet and Lillie were nonsmokers?

In our opinion, they should have used that line on the card to call out one of the qualities from above to alert the flight crew ... i.e. "passes gas something fierce ... don't let this guy eat kidney beans or cabbage." That would benefit everyone in the long run.

215 Days Later

Greetings friends! After a hiatus of about 7 months we're back to the blog. A lot has happened since we were in Guangzhou in April and posted that Lillie's adoption was final. Some of the highlights:

1. May - We headed south to Sanya (aka the Hawaii of China). While not exactly luaus and pineapples, it was a very pleasant smog-free beach. And where else in the world can you stay at the Ritz-Carlton and see not one, but two sets of parents strip their little boys down to nothin' to pee in the bushes?

2. Summer - The girls spent the summer in Dallas and Lillie officially became a US citizen. The only difference now between her and a natural-born citizen is that she cannot be President. Governor of California? No problem ... just not the leader of the good ole' US of A.

3. August - We moved to a new house here in Shanghai. The old house was about 15 minutes from Carrefour and given Annie's new affinity to munch on frog spleen we decided to get a little closer to the store.

4. Fall - Shanna turned one and Lillie celebrated number five. Both are doing well even through Shanna at 14 months old is now pushing 24 pounds and Lillie only weighs 28. A career as an NFL linebacker might be in her future.

5. October - For the Chinese National Day holiday, we decided not to go to Beijing for the 60th anniversary celebration of the People's Republic of China (once you've seen one tank motoring down the streets of an urban metropolis, you've seen them all). Instead, Anne, Scott, Juliet, and Lillie headed to Europe for a few days of vacation. We hit Paris, Frankfurt, and Berlin before heading back home to China.

6. October - Shanna began walking which has us all a bit on edge. Given her height and weight, a rumbling, bumbling toddler can wreak a bit of havoc.

We will get you caught up over the next few weeks on more of the going ons around here, but in summary, we are alive, well, and thriving in our home away from home.

It's a girl!

That's right ... we are officially a family of four as Lillie is now legally our daughter. Anne, Scott, and Lillie have criss-crossed China this week and all that's left is to get her U.S. documents (hopefully tomorrow). More to come once we get back to Shanghai this weekend.

What time is it?

Often in hotels, airports, museums, and maybe trendy restuarants you'll see a series of clocks with various times from major cities around the world. Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, London, Paris, Hong Kong, etc. tend to be popular choices to represent the time zones that dot the globe.

Today we went into one of places we frequent for haircuts, massages, pedicures, etc. and noticed they had done a little remodeling. A fresh coat of paint and new accessories adorned the friendly salon. One of the more curious new additions was a series of three clocks above a doorway. Sidney and Shanghai occupied the two clocks on the left, which makes sense because the employees are all Chinese and many of the clientele hail from either the U.S. or Australia. The third clock, however, contained a very interesting choice to represent time zones in the U.S. ... Boise. Now, we don't know about you, but we can honestly say no matter where we've been, we have NEVER scratched our heads and thought, "Man, I wonder what time it is in Idaho right now."

Newspaper Models

We cancelled our subscription to the english language paper, Shanghai Daily, when we thought we were moving back to the U.S., so it took about half a day and a barrage of phone calls for Annie to realize that a picture of she and girls taken last fall was part of a 1/3 page article on Wednesday.

They volunteered to be models in a fashion show for charity last fall and the spring version of the fair is coming up soon ... thus the article in the "Life" section of the paper.

Let's just say Juliet REALLY enjoyed showing off the newspaper to her friends at school today, and Mr. Chen wanted a copy to show his friends that his boss made the newspaper. Here's the link to the online version of the picture and article:

http://www.shanghaidaily.com/article/?id=396892&type=Feature

More Pig Pancreas Please!

A few months ago we announced that we were moving back to Dallas. So for the last 6 weeks Scott has been living in Texas and Annie has been preparing in Shanghai for our move home. This week, however, Scott was asked by his company to instead move back to Shanghai and take a new role back on the other side of the world.

So for those of you looking forward to this blog switching over to the "Texas Tales" or the "Barbeque Biographies" we apologize, as it appears our escapades in the country on the other side of the Pacific will continue. We just couldn't pass up the thought of being able to munch on fried minnows or sip seal penis wine for another few years!

Mmmm good

Airplane food ... years ago it used to be served on flights in the U.S. It was salty, tasteless, and smelled up the plane worse than a Diet, Low Sodium, Half the Calorie, Roasted Salmon Budget Gourmet meal smells up the lunch room at work. However, times have changed ... nowadays if you want to eat on your flight, you have to pony up $14 for 6 Triscuits, 2 Fig Newtons, and a box of raisins that are all congealed together.

Chinese airlines, however, have not yet adopted the "pay to eat" concept on their domestic flights. You get a meal on EVERY flight ... even a short 45 minute trek provides one with a little sustenance for the descent. The food, though, leaves a bit to be desired. The choices from the lovely flight attendants are often "meat or fish." Now, we don't know about you but the definition of meat in our book can take on a number of possibilities. It could be beef, chicken, pork ... heck maybe even lamb. The definition in China, though, can be even broader. Thus, we typically stay away from the entree and just take the box of goodies that accompanies the fragrant meat or fish.

On a recent flight, the meal contained two staples in the "box of goodness" ... apple chips and a plain roll. Both aren't bad and all of us enjoyed them. The other two add-ons in the box were a bit out of the ordinary ... "Yi Lin Dried Radish" and "Onion Cookies with Original Flavour." We don't know about you, but radishes aren't at the top of our food chain to begin with and when you add the elements of dehydration, random oils, and spices, those puppies are headed straight to the garbage.

The onion cookies were almost tempting just because of the marketing slogan on the outside of the package "First Class all the way. Alliance regal presentation is distinctive both inside and out." Looks like a shortbread tastes like an onion ... that, my friends, is certainly distinctive!

Pick, pick, pick

We have a problem … a consistent, disgusting problem. We have a "serial picker" in the house. We first discovered the problem about 6 months ago when we noticed multiple walls each with a giant booger. At the time, we investigated the incident with our only two suspects … Juliet and Lillie. Each was interrogated but a confession wasn't obtained. Unfortunately, the search proved fruitless and the case went cold.

The serial picker then went underground for a few months with no traces of crime popping up. Then this week … boogers … on the wall … big green boogers taunting us again. The suspects are tough as they are both tight-lipped in their denials. We don't know if it's a conspiracy and they're both in on it or if it's a one-man job, but we cannot shake a confession.

In fact, they are now even implicating others … with Shanna (who doesn't walk or crawl) and Xue Feng (our housekeeper) being the latest to be accused by the suspects. We can only imagine how that would go if we called Scott's administrative assistant to help with translation. "Hello yes, can you please call Xue Feng and ask her if she's been picking big, nasty boogers and then smearing them on the walls?" We suspect we'd be looking for a new housekeeper.

A Free Concert

Yesterday we all headed over to the fabric market to get some tailor-made clothes. This place is heaven ... it's three floors of stall after stall of fabric ... each with their own tailor. You go pick your fabric, pick your style, and a week later you have tailor-made clothes for 1/3 the price of something off the rack in the U.S.

Lillie always has a good time when we go to the fabric market. She (who we now call the mayor of Shanghai) fraternizes with all the workers in Chinese while we're getting sized and usually ends up getting some trinkets, candy, dried fish, or dehydrated duck tongue for the road.

Yesterday, when we first walked into the shop, we knew right away this trip to the fabric market would be one for the ages. Lillie made fast friends with all five of the workers in the shop and immediately began singing along with them in Chinese. After about five minutes of entertaining them with her banter she either decided to start singing solos or they asked her to (we never really got the exact story). She then proceeded to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at the top of her four year old lungs ... in both English and Chinese. By the end of the English version about 12 people had packed into the small shop and rewarded her rendition with a plethora of applause.

If this wasn't embarrassing enough, she announced to everyone "I'll be back next week!" to advertise her next performance as we left the store.

Up up and away

Yesterday marked Lillie's first airplane voyage. Here's a few pics capturing the moment.

The honest truth

With Scott in the U.S. Annie is having to utilize her broken Mandarin on a much more regular basis. Given this recent influx of Chinese speech, Mr. Chen has been particularly impressed ... complimenting her frequently on her recent rapid progress.

Yesterday he complimented her again and said Lillie had also told him that she thought her mom's Chinese was very good. Annie turned to Lillie and thanked her for the compliment. In a serious dead-panned voice Lillie looked right at her and said, "Mama I didn't tell him that you spoke good Chinese ... I told him that your Chinese was pretty bad and that I can't understand you at all!"

Nothing like a little brutal honesty from a four year-old to crush the emotional high of a little personal development.

A few pics

We haven't posted many pics lately so here's one of each girl from last week:

Juliet before heading off to "Wacky Day" at school:

Lillie getting ready for a day with dad:

Shanna looking like a 64 year old Chinese woman:

Do you need a forklift for that?

We have been traveling quite a bit the last few years and have made several trips back and forth to the U.S. while we've lived in Shanghai. In China, the airlines really don't fool around ... they only allow one carry-on ... it can be a purse, a suitcase, a computer bag, a baby doll, a satchel, or an attache. It doesn't matter the size or the substance ... one carry-on.

This makes overhead bin space usually easy to get, but can cause for some odd scenes such as when grandpa and grandma decide they each want to take rice cookers to the grand kids in Wuhan. There's nothing like two five-foot Chinese people with their chins resting on their knees because two of the biggest rice cookers ever seen by the human eye are wedged between their seats and the ones in front of them.

In the U.S. however, overhead bin space is at a premium. If you're not one of the first 13 people on a 120 seat plane then you're going to be out of luck. It's absolutely ridiculous ... especially when Freida Jo from Tallahassee gets her panties in a wad because they can't accommodate the Lazy Boy she picked up while "antiquing" in Cleveland. You just want to shake these people ... it's called a "CARRY" on ... if you can't "CARRY" it then put it underneath.

Given our immense travel experience we have a few suggestions for rule improvements for carry-on baggage:

1. If you have to ask aloud "can someone help me lift this?" then it's too big
2. If you are bringing a safety seat for your child you must forfeit 1 carry-on. No one wants to get decapitated by the clumsy, beatdown dad who loses control of the Graco while balancing a car seat, a stroller, four McDonald's sacks, a pizza from Sbarro, and a 300 pound diaper bag.
3. If the placing of one's carry-on involves standing on the seat or being hoisted by a buddy then you're out of luck.
4. A backpack hidden underneath one's shirt to try to pass as a pregnant man is not considered "part of one's person."
5. Musical instruments do not classify as "personal items"

A Little Bling

Yesterday Annie and Scott stopped in at a women's clothing store as they were having a massive outerwear sale that couldn't be missed. After browsing for a while and selecting about 6 items to try on, Annie made her way to the dressing room. After popping out to look in the mirror, Annie was greeted by a smiling sales clerk who proceeded to make sure "all the parts were in the right place." A little surprised by the rub down but determined to try on all the pieces Annie headed behind the curtain again.

When she came out the next time she was greeted by not one but two sales clerks and two curious shoppers. All thought she looked fabulous but was missing something. They all began to pilfer through the costume jewelry that was strategically placed near the dressing room area. After much discussion (and what appeared to be several arguments), they decided on some terribly huge and gaudy gold chains as the perfect accessory to the sleak black and grey number that she was modeling. A wide-eyed Annie turned to Scott who had covered his face to hold in the laughter.

After convincing the "help" that she didn't have enough chest hair to really justify buying the 1970s necklace, Annie finished trying on the items and quickly rushed out to meet her waiting husband with a frustrated look on her face. Reassuringly, Scott told her to look on the bright side ... "If Mr. T ever calls wanting to know where to find some new bling, you'll know where to send him."

Golden Arches

Yesterday McDonald's announced that it would open an additional 500 stores in China over the next 3 years. McDonald's isn't bad here in China ... it's pretty close to its counterpart in the states ... but not exactly:

In the U.S. the most asked question is "Would you like fries with that?" ...
In China it is "Would you like fries or a bowl of cold corn with that?"

In the U.S. pickles are standard ...
In China, pickles are replaced by raw cucumbers

In the U.S. they claim that they'll make your burger the way you like it ...
In China a special request is greeted by a blank stare and a plethora of confusion amongst the army of smiling staffers

In the U.S. you are greeted by a surly human being who appears to want to punch you in the face ...
In China when a person walks into the place every worker (including the fry cook) shouts "Welcome" in Chinese

In the U.S. there are very few restaurants without drive thru's ...
In China the drive thru is nonexistent and the dining area is so packed with people that those patrons waiting for a place to sit will just come set their food on your table and hover until you're finished.

In the U.S. the most popular sandwich is the Big Mac ...
In China the most popular sandwich has to be the Filet O' Fish ... you wouldn't believe the number of Chinese people that are getting 4 days worth of caloric intake from that tasty fried cod patty

Aussie Speak

As we have said before, Juliet's first grade teacher is a wonderful woman from Australia. She has been such a great teacher for Juliet. However, we're a little worried what the kids in America are going to think about some of the "Queen's English" that Juliet has picked up. Here are a few of phrases Juliet has used this year along with their "American English" equivalent:

Mummy = Mommy
Half past five = Five thirty
Pigeon hole = Cubbie hole
Pattie pans = Muffin cups
Have a go = Give it a try
Ring them up = Call them on the phone

There's nothing we can do, but the first time Juliet says "it's high time we have a spot of tea in the afternoon" we'll know it's time to get that kid back to Texas and re-teach her about Dr. Pepper and barbeque.

Headed Home

As many of you know, a few weeks ago we found out that Scott is moving to a new position in the company, which will take us back to Dallas. While Scott will start his new job in Dallas soon, Annie and the girls will remain in Shanghai until the end of the school year.

Although we are excited to get back to the country that is home to On the Border and Outback Steakhouse, we are really going to miss China. We had no idea when we decided over two years ago to take this assignment that we would find a home away from home like no other. When we think back we could never have imagined:

• That we would get used to the smell of fish.
• That Juliet would learn about economics in first grade.
• That we could become so close to Xue Feng and Mr. Chen despite effectively communicating with hand signals and about 25 Chinese words.
• That we would meet lifelong friends who we will always keep in touch with.
• That one human being can balance a couch and a refrigerator on the back of a bicycle.
• That Annie would not learn how to use chopsticks ("ya'll got a fork in this joint?").
• That Scott's digestive system would "have issues" on days he doesn't eat rice.
• That two beautiful Chinese girls would make our lives more complete.

We'll continue to keep you updated on our plans and preparations and for now, "Chopstixchronicles" will not end...even once we are all settled back in Texas. It seems many of you think our girls and daily happenings are funny, so at least for a while, we'll try to keep you entertained.

We can't say too much about it here, but for those of you who have asked, we will be going home as a family of four. And hopefully in the next year or so, Annie and Scott will return to China to once again officially add to our brood.

Please keep the children in your prayers over the next several weeks. Scott will return to Dallas on the 23rd and for those of you that know our family well, you know Annie hasn't seen the inside of an oven for eight or nine years. Pray the children can survive on EasyMac and PB&J until May.

Driver, Weatherman, and Mom ... Rolled into One

We have mentioned many times how great Mr. Chen (our driver) is. He always goes the extra mile to help us out whenever we need it. One of his previously unknown qualities, however, is starting to really come out. He has an insanely accurate weather forecasting ability ... so good that he should be a meteorologist.

This time of year it is particularly cold in Shanghai, but on Wednesday and Thursday it was beautiful. The temperatures were in the low 70s and we had clear blue skies. So on Friday morning Scott checked outside and it was still fairly warm so he decided not to wear a coat to work. Mr. Chen spied him coming out to the car and immediately ran up to him and the following conversation ensued:

Mr. Chen: "Sir, jintian ni yao yifu" which means "Sir, today you will need a coat"
Scott: "Mei guan shi, wo hao de" which means "No problem, I will be OK"
Mr. Chen: "NO!" which means "No!"
Scott: "Wo hao de" which mean "I will be OK"
Mr. Chen: "NO! Jintian xia wu, hen leng ... xia yu hen da" which means "No, this afternoon it will be very cold and the rain will be heavy."

Mr. Chen told Scott to go back inside to get his coat. Following orders, Scott reluctantly went inside to get his coat. Around lunchtime Scott went outside without his coat and snickered to himself ... "its warmer now than this morning." So when leaving the office he decided to carry his coat to specifically prove that Mr. Chen had been quite inaccurate in his weather forecast. However, upon exiting the revolving door Scott was blasted with rush of frigid air that forced him to drop his computer bag to the ground and throw on his coat.

As he got in the car Mr. Chen turned back to him and said, "Hen leng" which means "It's cold." Disgusted Scott thought to himself, "fine so he was right about the temperature, but it's completely dry outside." At that minute as he placed the ear buds for his I Pod into his ears he looked up to see 5 huge rain drops simultaneously pelt the windshield. Without hesitation, Mr. Chen giggled and turned back to Scott to acknowledge his own brilliance ... "xia yu" (rain) he proclaimed.

Is that stuff legal?

One of the vivid childhood memories we have from Halloween is the black cauldron filled with dry ice to give kids the feeling there was something spooky brewing in the pot. However somewhere along the line, between the Reagan Administration and Cato Cailin’s rise to fame, dry ice became nonexistent in the U.S.

Here in China, however, dry ice hasn’t lost its luster. We’re not sure of the safety of its prevalence, but it sure is handy. Have a bag a frozen crustaceans you need to transport? … Dry ice to the rescue. Have a long drive home but don’t want to eat your ice cream until you’re in the comfort of your Lazy Boy? No problem … all ice cream shops keep dry ice on-hand and guarantee the icy goodness of your frozen treat for up to 1.5 hours.

Of course it could make for an embarrassing encounter at the office:

“Whoa Bill, how did you scald your hand? Barbeque accident? Lawnmower debacle? Power tool mishap?”

“Nope, just fumbled the Rocky Road.”

Regional Indifference

We often write about the many differences we encounter on a daily basis between China and the U.S. However, today we're going to write about something that we've observed as a universal constant ... incessant elevator button pushing.

It doesn't matter if you're in Dallas, New York, Shanghai or Inner Mongolia ... if you're waiting for an elevator, every person who walks up will press the Up or Down arrow, even though it's already lit up. Do people truly believe the more the button is pushed the faster the elevator will come? It's as if they think the elevator is saying to itself "14 people have pressed that button in the last 16.2 seconds, I better hurry my arse up and get down there."

Our favorite (and he exists everywhere also) is "Mr. Multiple Elevator Button Pusher Guy." You know who we're talking about ... it's the guy who pushes the button ... waits ... then pushes the button again ... waits ... and then again. It's like a vicious death spiral that said OCD man can't pull himself out of. There's usually a disgusted huffing and puffing that follows after the third button push before the frustration gets the best of him and he just takes the stairs, or better yet decides to ride the opposite direction in hopes that it will be faster to ride 67 stories up before heading back down to the ground level.

So as you head to work tomorrow and push the elevator button so many times that you hyperextend your finger, you can find solace in the fact there is a little old Chinese man on the other side of world that has just done the exact same thing.

Major Eruption

There are times at which as a parent you are "in the zone." You and your spouse are clicking on all cylinders, the house is running smoothly, the kids aren't biting, screaming, vomiting, etc, etc, etc.

We were in one of those zones this weekend ... all the kids were doing well and Annie and Scott were feeling really good about themselves. This afternoon, we were able snap some cute pictures of Shanna:

However, as they say, all good things must come to an end. After finishing a great family dinner, the sweet, innocent, darling pictured above turned the evening on its head. She was sitting with Annie when Scott heard an atrocious grunting noise coming from the other room. At first Scott thought it was a lumberjack trying to pass a kidney stone, but instead found Annie chuckling as Shanna geared up to "drop some friends off at the pool."

Scott went off to finish the dishes, but a few minutes later, was startled by Annie's shrieking voice, "Scott, I need you ... NOW." When he arrived on the scene, all he could see was poop ... poop on Annie ... poop on the bed ... poop covering the baby from shoulder blade to ankle. It was everywhere. We were able to get her clothes off somehow, but not before losing a wayward turd onto the floor.

The baby, sensing an opportunity for fun, started kicking and moving as violently as possible spraying poop in every possible direction. This kid, who, five months ago was born with spina bifida and had people wondering if she'd ever move her legs was using her powerful femurs to cover us in feces. Needless to say, we don't feel like we're "in the zone" anymore.

Progress ... sort of

We wrote before about Lillie's singing prowess or lack thereof, but she is making progress. Tonight we asked her to sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep" to see how far she'd come:

Bla bla sheep sheep have you any wools?
Yesso yesso three bags four.
One for my miss and one for the sis who is down the street.
Bla bla sheep sheep have you any wools?
Yesso yesso three bags fourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

As you can see not exactly quite right yet. So you can imagine our surpise when we asked her to sing "Row Your Boat" (which we had never done before) and it came out perfect ... kind of.

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
If you see a croc-a-dile
Don't forget to scream

Not the same version we learned back in the 70s, but some good advice as we get close to the summer months.

Oops

Tonight when Scott got home from work, his lovely bride was telling him about her fabulous day, which included volunteering for an hour in Juliet's first grade class. He asked her what she did in the class and she had this to say: "Actually Juliet's teacher (who is a lovely Australian lady) had never heard of Groundhog Day so I taught the class all about it!" She was so proud of herself for helping shape the young first graders' minds.

Fast forward to a few minutes ago when the following conversation took place as Scott was checking the headlines:

Scott: "Well Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow so 6 more weeks of winter."
Anne: "No if he saw his shadow that means spring is nigh upon us."
Scott: "That's not what Yahoo thinks ... they say this long, cold winter is going to continue because Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow."
Anne: "Crap! I spent 15 minutes telling the first graders the wrong thing today ... I even made some handouts. I am so going to get fired from volunteer duty."

Singapore Pictures

Here's a photo montage from the Singapore leg of our vacation:

Juliet ready for her day at the zoo. Even in sunny Singapore, a 6 year old in shades garnered a fair amount of attention:


Scott and Juliet learning about white tigers (Is he 32 or 52?):


Juliet posing with a kangaroo (Her teacher is from Australia so we thought this might earn her some extra credit. These days in first grade you need all the help you can get ... i.e. they just finished a unit on economics ... including six weeks of supply and demand):


A few pictures from the "Singapore Flyer" which is the largest observation wheel in the world. Juliet looks much happier here than when we first got there. She was scared poopless to get on this thing. Just think if we had told her that it had just reopened two days before after being shutdown for 3 weeks after it broke down and stranded all the passengers for 6 hours as they perilously dangled in the Singapore skyline.

The next few are from our day on Sentosa Island which is a small island about 1 mile off the coast of Singapore. We took a cable car over there for a day of fun that included an acquariam visit, a luge ride, a dolphin show and some pushing, shoving, and curse words in several languages with a Taiwanese tour group that was determined to trample all three of us in order to not have to wait an extra 3 minutes for the next bus.